Here and There

I don’t even like saying that “I dated” someone. Feels so hokey – the whole world of matching up with people. Of searching for that right person. I was not raised on Catholicism or Disney fairytales, yet I feel the societal pressure from movies/how women are portrayed. My parents never told me to wait for my Prince Charming. Shit, they never even told me or asked me about getting married/when am I going to have grandchildren? I didn’t have a curfew. Didn’t need one. I was not rebellious. Why not? Is this natural passivity (of course seen as weakness by society). Yet what kills me is all the people who write books/movies about how they recovered from addiction/bad behavior with their families and are now heralded as some kind of hero. I am not saying that overcoming addiction is not something to be proud of. But what about all of us who never let ourselves go there in the first place? Do you know how much we are trying “NOT” to do things? This is exhausting and (apparently) commendable, but no credit is given until your obituary. Do I need to be revered as a superhero daily? No. Do I like human interest/overcoming life’s challenges stories – SOOOO MUCH, yes. Is it because I like to see something broken get fixed/healed? Is it that victory I like to see for others? Yes. I need to write so people know my victories because I feel they are all invisible except to my closest friends. Why do I need the public to know? I don’t want attention? I want to help one person who is experiencing emotional abuse, but doesn’t realize it. Am I going to be that marriage wrecker though? “i don’t like how he spoke to me about x”

Time. Over time, I could tell by his actions/lack of actions that his words meant nothing. That he didn’t care about my well-being. Well, he did, but only if it could be fixed with methods that work for him. Going off that path was weakness, something wrong with me. It works, why not use it? IT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. He didn’t get that. He is not stupid. He knows there are a million different people in the world (most of which, according to him, are idiots, stupid, wasteful of their money & time). He cannot process the fact that people feel things differently. Yet, I was tricked. He is nostalgic about his past/family. Photo albums, stories repeated and referenced over and over again. I took this nostalgia to mean he cared. I know he “cares” and “loves” his family, but what if they turned on him? They may question him, but it is always in a joking manner. Never serious. See his reaction (expected) and laugh about it. Message delivered so they feel like they were heard. After we’d get home, he’d tell me what idiots they are. Everyone complains about their family, but this was a narcissism angle. Like they are never going to get it, they live their lives all wrong, they waste time, but yet he wants to be at all family events. Is this a real desire or just an imprinting habit? Who knows how he feels because he doesn’t feel anything but disgust, frustration, anxiety, and anger. Any happiness is him laughing at someone telling him he is being ridiculous. They think he is laughing at himself/carrying on a silly banter, but really he doesn’t respect how other people live their lives. If they were in a close relationship with him, he would point out all the problems and tell you how to do things right.